I’ve had three good days in a row. I had energy to do stuff, like a normal, healthy 29 year old woman would have. It felt so good that I even felt happy.
Okay, truth be told, I’ve been on Prednisone for Crohn’s disease for about two weeks now. So, it’s steroids.
But whatever, I’ll take it. After a few very low mood days, I got a jolt of energy and a positive mental attitude. Like, the energy of ten thousand suns despite sleeping for three to four hours.
In the last three days, I did errands, went shopping, cleaned the house, did laundry, redesigned the built-in shelves in the living room, made the bed, got coffee, went out to dinner and drinks, and went to an outdoor festival.
And, by some amazing blessing from the universe/creator/whatever you believe in, my sister-by-birth/best-friend-by-choice is in town visiting from California during the same time. Being with her already brings me so much joy already, and this is even better because I have energy to actually do stuff.
I haven’t felt like this in fucking years.
Having energy to fully function isn’t something that’s been in my life for a while. For nearly a year, I’ve been home and not working very much to focus on my health. I spend a lot of time taking care of myself, and thinking about how to pace myself. Honestly, it’s been really hard.
Last October, I couldn’t leave the house without having a panic attack. Three weeks ago, I didn’t have enough energy to walk two blocks around my neighborhood. On Tuesday, I told my psychologist that I couldn’t feel anything.
I talk a lot about depression on my blog and social channels, but if you’re new here, I have been in a severe depressive episode with severe anxiety, panic disorder and PTSD for the last year. Again, it’s been hard.
I don’t want to focus on the bad stuff in this post, but it helps to give context.
So, here I am about two weeks in. The Prednisone is supposed to help my body heal the issues they found in my colon and any other inflammation that might be happening (I’m looking at you, chronic bronchitis).
Mood swings are a common side effect, and so is having more energy (I am on ROIDS, after all). There are a lot of ups and downs on steroids, but for three days, I was on the high end of a mood swing. Things felt great.
I don’t have a lot of good days; one every few months, or a few hours at a time. But this week, I got three good days in a row.
I’VE HAD THREE. GOOD. DAYS.
After doing my usual “what does this mean? why do I feel like this?” anxiety-spiral, I finally realized that it’s okay to just sit in this feeling. To enjoy it. To not worry that this is temporary, or that I need to pace myself. To do some things I’ve been wanting to do but haven’t had the energy to. To try to soak in what feeling good feels like.
It’s a reminder that even when things are bad, like, really shitty, that it’s okay to just enjoy something. Even if it’s for a few minutes or hours.
When we have good days, we should enjoy them instead of worry about when they will end.
Sometimes feeling good is enough.
Especially if you’ve been struggling with depression, loss, grief, anger, anxiety, or literally anything negative.
Do something, anything, that makes you feel good. Even if it’s just for a few minutes.
Give yourself permission to feel it. Let it soak in.
Cheers to more good days.
You can do this.
I’m rooting for you.